


american boys do too

by ofthesun



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Boys Kissing, Coming Out, First Kiss, M/M, Marijuana, Recreational Drug Use, Sexuality Crisis, i have a fucking ap exam in 30 hours and i need to study but instead i'm writing this bullshit, this is literally just weed; gays; and evans ongoing internal conflict
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-10
Updated: 2017-05-10
Packaged: 2018-10-30 05:42:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10870293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ofthesun/pseuds/ofthesun
Summary: his face went red as the words left his tongue and,he rolls up a cigarette, and he strikes a paper match-the maine, "english girls"





	american boys do too

**Author's Note:**

> before any of these notes, you all should know that i have an ap exam in **30** hours as of the moment i'm posting this and i should be fucking studying 10,000 years of history but instead i wrote THIS over the span of like a couple days.  
>  this fic is weird as hell, it's kind of a songfic of english girls by the maine (i switched the pronouns to make it gay because Gays™) except it's really just about weed and evan coming to terms with his sexuality??? this might be ooc as hell (especially evan bc writing realistic anxiety is a struggle 4 me, and connor is written to fanon, not canon) but i don't know if i give a shit??? because i had too much fun writing it tbh. i don't know how to tag this, but there is lots of kissing while high, so like, idk if i need to tag that as like dubcon or smth or if it doesn't matter bc there's no sex????? god help my uneducated ass.  
> side note plea se don't attack my depictions of the weed™ i have smoked twice in my life and i still can't even work a lighter, i don't know what i'm doing  
> song lyrics are italicised. i love the maine and you should too
> 
> **Update, 26/08/17** : I got a 4 on my exam! [What that means, for the uninitiated](http://occameducation.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/Table-1-AP-scores-versus-US-letter-grades.png), and considering [the circumstances](https://twitter.com/AP_Trevor/status/876896876074848256) and [the odds](https://twitter.com/AP_Trevor/status/876893103487160321), I did amazing!

Evan doesn't know why he agreed to this.

Jared's backyard is smaller than he remembers it being from distant childhood memories, and it's warmer outside at dusk than he thought it would be. Jared's dogs, an old, but oddly energetic German Shepherd, and a tiny chihuahua, are chasing after some rubber toy that Connor keeps throwing for them. They're lounging around in a trio of old lawn chairs, listening to the comfortable, buzzing hum of life in the middle of suburbia. Evan sees pale grey smoke arise from the other side of the privacy fence, and he can smell the neighbours' bonfire as if it's right there, in front of him. He hears their easy-going, light-hearted conversation; sports turns to good movies turns to _oh, how fantastic is this weather!_ to quieter voices that he can't follow the topics of any more. Jared is on his phone while Connor occupies the dogs, and Evan's not sure what to do with himself once he's done taking in the environment entirely.

Connor had been talking to Evan about getting high together for a couple weeks. Connor swears up and down it'll soothe his anxiety, and after Evan mentioned to Jared how he thought Connor must be out of his mind for even thinking that for a moment, Jared and Connor, the two of whom who apparently had a history Evan knew nothing of, mutually agreed that they were definitely smoking up with Evan some time, and soon.

Apparently, Jared and Connor had been smoking together for a year or so when Evan first brought it up. Jared described it as more of an 'arrangement' of sorts than anything -- citing that he had a grinder and a pipe, and parents who left him alone for long nights at a time, and that Connor knew where to get a good strain for cheaper than Jared could. As if they only smoked together because there was some bizarre mutualistic aspect to it, not because they would ever be considered friends or anything like that. Which, knowing Jared, makes total sense, actually.

"So," Evan says, breaking the silence, "when are we gonna, like, smoke?"

Jared locks his phone and looks up. "Once it gets dark and people start to go inside. We can't smoke with all these people out here, especially kids."

"Why not?" Evan frowns.

"Dude, have you like, been around weed?" Jared turns to look at him, his voice thick with incredulity. Evan shakes his head, although by the way Jared says it, it sounds like he should at least know more than he does about it. Jared reaches for the backpack he has lying in the grass beside his chair, pulling it into his lap. He rifles through its contents before producing a small mason jar, packed tightly with paper towels and plastic bags. He unscrews the lid and thrusts it up beneath Evan's nose.

"Oh," Evan's face twists into an expression of disgust, "that smells bad. Really bad."

"Yeah, no shit, Sherlock," Jared grumbles, yanking the jar back and fastening the lid as quickly as he can. "If we smoke now, the whole neighbourhood is gonna know we've got pot, and the lady who lives in the house behind ours talks to my mom, like, all the time. Which means, your mom finds out, too. So, we wait till dark, nobody's out to smell it, and nobody gets caught." Evan nods, not certain if he's satisfied with the answer, but too embarrassed to ask any more. It's not his fault. He only talked to Jared for the first however many years of his adolescence, and even now, only talks to him, the Murphy's, and Alana, and nobody was really offering him weed until Connor did a couple weeks back. It's not that he's sheltered, he just never really had a need to know anything about pot besides what he got from health class, and that was not to smoke it.

Connor, who had never even been phased by Jared and Evan's voices, only stops playing with the dogs after the chihuahua, worn out from playing, sauntered up to him and took the toy from his hand before lying down in the grass.

Not that Evan had been paying all that much attention, but he'd always known Connor smoked even before they started talking, because Connor always reeked of it. Once they became friends, he noticed more little things, more subtle hints of it. Crumpled up rolling papers in the bottom of his school bag. Mouthwash and eye drops on his night stand.

Which is why Jared is still throwing Evan for a loop. They've known each other for years and Evan never even got the slightest hint until just recently. He never smelled like it, and even once Evan started looking for things to allude to it, still nothing. It's weird. Jared didn't seem like the type to smoke, but Evan supposes it's some weird subversion of stereotypes thing.

Connor stands, abruptly, startling Evan. "You got anything to drink inside?" he asks, looking pointedly to Jared.

"Yeah, there's cups in the pantry and I think we have milk and iced tea," Jared offers, distractedly. He's fixated on his phone again, and Evan seizes the opportunity to escape the impending continuation of already-awkward silence, and he gets up to follow Connor inside.

Jared's family isn't wealthy by any means, but they're better off than Evan's, and their kitchen is neat and shiny, with sleek metal appliances and dark brown cabinets. Connor pulls open a couple different doors before he finds the one with the cups and glasses in it, and he passes two plastic ones down to Evan before he closes it.

"You want tea, water, or what?" Connor asks him, standing in front of the open fridge.

"Uh, tea sounds good," Evan says, setting the cups down on the counter beside Connor. Connor fills the two from the jug of tea and returns it to the fridge before pushing one of the cups towards Evan. He leans back against the fridge and sighs, almost contentedly.

"So, um," Evan fumbles together a sentence, "what does weed make you feel like?"

"I mean, it depends on what you're smoking and how much," Connor explains. "There's shit that'll make you chill and relaxed, and there's shit that'll make you giggly."

"Well, what are we smoking?" Evan tries. He really doesn't know anything about this and Jared makes fun of him when he asks questions, and he didn't think to look up any of this online before he came over.

"To be honest, I don't know," Connor confesses. "I normally get indica, which mellows you out, but Jared got it this time from some guy he works with. He didn't tell me much about it, just said it's good and I'd like it." Evan pauses and meditates on this. He hopes whatever it is mellows him out, because that sounds crazy nice, especially with how nervous he is about doing this at all. Even though he's figured out by now that not everyone who smokes smells, he's still really, really worried his mom will smell it on him when he gets home tomorrow morning.

"I think," Connor starts, snapping Evan back from his thoughts, "I think we might go out somewhere else to smoke. 'Cause it's getting darker out, but nobody's gone inside yet, and like, we kind of need to avoid people, especially Jared's neighbours."

"Where would we go?" Evan wonders, aloud.

"There's a couple places I've been to in broad daylight to smoke, and never gotten caught at," Connor concedes, "and there's an old, abandoned baseball field near here that Jared and I smoked at the other day. It's in walking distance, too." Evan nodded, sipping at his tea.

"C'mon, let's go back out," Connor suggests, gesturing towards the door with his shoulder. He dumps his ice down the drain and leaves his cup overturned in the sink, heading back out to the backyard. Evan abandons his drink on the counter, following quickly behind.

Jared's still on his phone when they get out there, but now, the chihuahua is in his lap, and one of his hands is occupied stroking its back.

"Hey, I think we should go back to that dugout we were at the other day," Connor proposes, grabbing Jared's attention. "It sounds like your neighbours aren't going in any time soon." Jared is quick to lift the dog and return it to the grass, pulling his backpack off the ground and onto his shoulder in one swift motion.

"Sounds good," he says, affirmatively.

_and that boy, he is a drifter,  
tomorrow, he'll be far away_

The sun has set almost entirely, and the sky has dulled to a muted grey by the time they're leaving Jared's. It's starting to cool down, now, and Evan is thankful he has a sweatshirt tied around his waist. They walk along old, eroded sidewalks with moss growing in the cracks, and he's careful to avoid stepping on the cracks. Jared is talking, something about a video game he was playing last week, and Evan just kind-of tunes it out, because now he's really getting apprehensive about this whole thing. There's so much opportunity for it to go wrong, they could get caught by someone in the neighbourhood, or worse, the cops, and then they'd get arrested and his mom would be so disappointed in him, and, and what if he has like, an allergic reaction to weed - can people even _be_ allergic to weed, any ways - but he couldn't go to the hospital if he did because then his mom would find out, and she'd be disappointed, and-

"Evan," Connor prompts, putting an arm over his shoulder, "hey, stop panicking about this."

"Sorry, it's just," Evan stumbles, "I just. Don'twantmymomtofindout."

"Dude," Connor stresses. "Slow down."

"I'm scared my mom's gonna find out, and she'll be mad," Evan confesses. Connor squeezes Evan's shoulder with his hand.

"Don't worry, she won't find out. And if she does, you tell her I peer pressured you into it, okay?" he reassures, "You know she'd buy that in a hot minute." Evan nods, trying to quell his anxiety. It's not really doing much, but he isn't anywhere near having a panic attack, so he decides it's okay enough for now. Jared, who's gained a solid five-step lead on Connor and Evan because they slowed down while they talked, makes a turn off of the sidewalk onto a dirt footpath. Connor starts to take bigger steps, encouraging Evan to pick up the pace beside him so they won't lose Jared's trail.

At some point, Jared decides to stop and wait for the two of them. Connor and Evan don't realise this until they walk straight into his still figure.

"Dude," Connor chided in a monotone, "what the fuck?" Jared doesn't bother with an explanation, just nods his head towards the path ahead of them and keeps walking. Connor rolls his eyes and the three of them continue to walk.

By the time they reach the field in question, the sky grey is closer to a black than to a blue. They have to use their phone flashlights to manoeuvre the rusty fence closing in around the field (on which Jared still manages to almost get cut, as he announces through a string of vulgarities) and as predicted, the old dugout is empty; the long, metal bench cold to the touch, stretching across the entire dugout.

Jared situates himself on the bench itself, while Connor takes a seat on the concrete edge of the dugout, and Evan jumps down to the floor, but stays standing. He fidgets nervously as he watches Jared dig through his bag.

Jared sets the jar down first, beside himself on the bench, and then he puts the pipe, an ugly, burnt-orange shade of glass, on the other side of the jar. Then he pulls out the grinder, keeping it in his hand as he kicks his bag out of the way.

As soon as he opens the jar, Evan smells it, and it fucking reeks. Even worse than he had initially realised it smelled. He wrinkles his face up in disgust, and Connor smiles at him, like he thinks it's funny. Jared goes to work with the grinder, and Evan stops paying attention because he's too focused on how terrible it smells. There's no way his mom isn't gonna be able to smell this on him, it's so _strong_ and so _revolting_. He's totally screwed.

"Connor," Jared says, pulling Evan away from his internal panic, "you want the first hit or should I?"

"You can take it," Connor dismisses. He motions for Evan to come towards him. "You're gonna wanna watch how he does this. Pay attention." Jared holds the pipe in one hand, and a lighter in the other, puts it up to his mouth and lights it, and it looks like he's inhaling. He shifts his fingers on the pipe, then pulls his mouth off, and puffs out a cloud of smoke.

"Okay, you saw how he did that, right? You put it up to your mouth like this," Connor explains, and puts the pipe to his mouth before pulling it off to talk, "then you put your thumb over that tiny hole on the pipe, and use your other hand to light it. You inhale, inhale, and once you feel like you've gotten enough in, pull your thumb off the hole and inhale some more, then exhale." Evan nods, repeating the steps over in his head. Put it to your mouth, thumb on, light it, inhale, thumb off, inhale, exhale. He can do this.

Connor takes the next hit, and Evan notices he exhales more smoke than Jared does. Connor hands him the pipe.

Evan puts it to his mouth, holding it with both of his hands, makes sure he has the hole covered, and wait, fuck, he needs one hand to light it-

"Here, I'll light it for you," Connor offers, "up to your mouth, get ready." Evan nods slightly to show he's ready, and Connor flicks on the flame, holding it up to the weed. Evan inhales, and his mouth heats up, filling with the smoke. He keeps inhaling. "Thumb off," Connor instructs. He moves his hand and inhales a little more. He moves the pipe away from his face and he starts coughing out smoke. There's not as much of it as Jared or Connor had, but he still feels like he's choking, and his throat feels disgusting. Jared takes the pipe from him, conspicuously trying not to laugh.

"That was a bit big for a first hit ever, Evan, but how was that?" Connor asks, patting Evan's back as he coughs harder.

Once the fit subsides, Evan looks at Connor and Jared like they're both insane. "You guys _like_ doing that?" Jared exhales and hands Connor the pipe, and this time, he doesn't even bother trying to keep himself from laughing.

"Evan, dude, it never hurts as much as the first time," Jared explains, "your lungs have literally never had smoke in them, they're not gonna like it at first." Connor nods affirmingly before taking another hit. He blows the smoke out through his nostrils this time, and hands Evan the pipe.

"Hold it like this, this time," Connor instructs before he hands it over, though. He only uses one hand and his thumb lies atop the hole. Evan takes it again and mimics the way he was holding it, near identically. Connor lights it again, and Evan still takes a lot, enough for his throat to keep burning, but not as much as the first time, and he blows it out.

"Was that any better?" Connor asks gently, and Evan nods as he goes to dig through Jared's bag for water. He finds a couple bottles and takes one. His throat feels significantly better after just one sip.

"So, how much does it take to get high, and how do I know if I'm high?" Evan prods to Connor while Jared has the pipe.

"I mean, it depends on your tolerance, the strain, and the size of your hits. I'd guess around 4 or 5 hits for you, and you'll know when you're high," Connor replies. Evan makes a vague noise of understanding, and watches as Connor takes another hit, then it's his turn.

_he said, "smoke whatever you've got left,  
it's getting late and we don't have much to lose,"_

Connor estimates correctly, and by Evan's fourth hit, he starts to feel slow and heavy, like his body is made of molasses. He leans back on the bench, head against the wall as he watches Connor smoke. Connor takes the pipe with such an ease and familiarity, and it's fascinating to Evan, who feels like he's handling a foreign object. Connor doesn't even cough, even though he blows out more smoke than the rest of them. Jared isn't anything like Evan, but even Jared coughs and takes effort to smoke, unlike how easily Connor does it.

When Evan takes his fifth hit, he feels like he has to use all of his strength to lift his head and back off the wall, and it feels like he's moving through slow motion. He actually enjoys it, a lot more than he thought he would. He takes a bigger hit than the rest of the ones he's taken so far, and coughs after he exhales.

"Evan's totally fucking baked," Jared concludes as he takes the pipe from Evan, staring at him a little. Evan doesn't ever relax like this, and Jared and Connor both don't think they've seen him like this, ever. It's odd, and a little fascinating.

Jared takes a hit, then declares that all that's left is ash. He sifts through the bowl with his fingers, and his declaration is true, everything is burnt down, so he gets up and dumps it into the dirt somewhere away from the dugout. He goes back to the grinder and repacks the bowl all over again. Evan is laying back against the wall and Connor shifts further down the wall so he's across from Evan. He reaches out and grabs Evan's hand in his own.

"How do you feel, Evan?" he asks, looking Evan straight in the eye. Evan grins, silly and sated.

"I feel great," he says, a hint of drawl coming in at the edges of his voice. Connor smiles back, squeezing Evan's hand before he drops it.

"You can take the first hit, or if you want, we can shotgun it," Jared offers, holding up the new bowl.

"Let's make this a little more interesting," Connor decides.

_his face went red as the words left his tongue and,  
he rolls up a cigarette, and he strikes a paper match_

Evan watches as Jared puts the pipe up to his mouth and takes in a decent-sized hit. But then, he doesn't exhale it, and Evan's confused. Connor's already stood up, and he comes up to Jared and presses his lips to Jared's, which, wait.

"What the hell?" Evan queries, frowning, solely out of confusion. Jared and Connor stay there for another moment, before they pull apart and Connor exhales the smoke. This time, Jared's the one grinning.

"It's called shotgunning," Connor explains, "you take a hit, then you blow the smoke into someone else's mouth, so they get the hit, too." Evan tilted his head slightly, still confused. "Here, I'll shotgun you." Connor grabs the pipe and takes a hit. He shuts his mouth tight and moves towards Evan, whose lips are already parted, slightly, but just enough. Connor presses his lips to Evan's and opens his mouth, blowing the smoke straight into Evan's mouth. He moves slightly so they're closer to kissing than they are sharing smoke before he pulls away, and Evan exhales the smoke.

"See? How was that?" Connor asks, trying to read Evan's reaction. Evan looks half-blissed out, half-lost.

"Dude," Jared intones quietly, leaning towards the two of them, "Evan, you're so gay."

It takes a moment for Evan to catch up with what's going on and being said. "What? Jared, noI'mnot,leavemealone," he rambles through. He's still high, but the nervousness starts to come back, and he can feel it seeping through the thick coating that the high has put over his every-day anxiety.

"It's not like it's a big deal that you are," Jared adds, in a vague attempt at reassurance, "but like, you are." Evan frowns, shaking his head.

"I mean, same," Connor confides. Evan snaps his head to look at him. "I thought I told you I was gay?" Evan shakes his head. "Well, I am." Evan looks down at his lap, fidgeting with his hands. It's quiet, and uncomfortable, and he doesn't know what to say to that.

"Connor," Jared breathes, and he moves towards Connor. Evan looks up just as the two of them close the gap, and they're kissing, hard. There's no smoke this time, no reason to, just kissing just because they can. And Evan is still so, so confused. They pull apart and both of them look sated and relaxed. Evan tries to act like he's not paying attention, but he is. Connor's lips are wet and red, but his eyes are even redder; bloodshot.

"See? Not a big deal, not at all," Jared concludes, leaning back in his seat, looking just the slightest bit smug. Evan goes back to staring at his legs, and now it's just awkward, because none of them are talking. Evan had been enjoying being high, when he was relaxed and easygoing and not thinking about anything, but now he just wishes he could go home. It's not that he's that mad about the whole 'you're so gay' thing, it's just that he'd so carefully buried that whole debate beneath all of the more time-pressing anxiety within his brain, and he was trying to avoid thinking about it, dealing with it for as long as he possibly could. But now, he doesn't really have a choice, and he's being forced to deal with it; immediately, while high, and with Connor and Jared present. He knows he likes boys. He just isn't ready to deal with everything that comes with it.

Connor and Jared keep smoking while Evan is in his little thought bubble, and they finish the second bowl. Jared gets up to go get rid of the ash, and Connor moves to sit next to Evan.

"Hey, you're not like, disgusted with me, right?" Connor asks quietly once Jared is out of his line of vision. Evan looks up, and Connor looks nervous, almost afraid.

"No, god, no," Evan shakes his head, "I just. What Jared said. Ididn'treallywannathinkaboutthat."

"Okay," Connor exhales, "but, uh, what'd you say?"

Evan takes a deep breath. "I didn't really want to think about. About that. At least not today, or not right now." Connor nods, like he gets it.

"Don't take this the wrong way, and it's cool if not," Connor says, "but can I- can I kiss you?"

_and the moment before he kissed him,_  
_pins him against the wall,_  
_tells him he's beautiful_

Evan turns to look straight at him, and nods, hesitantly. Connor leans in and presses his lips to Evan's. It's soft and gentle, and Evan seems to have absolutely no idea what he's doing, so Connor has to take a bit of a lead and move his lips against Evan's the right way for Evan to take the hint that he needs to move, too. It's so chaste and so pure, and Connor feels like Evan is a delicacy that he has to be mindful of when kissing. When he pulls away, Evan looks at him through half-lidded eyes, and it's almost enough of a connection that it takes a moment for Connor to even notice Jared's returned.

"Yeah, you're so gay," Jared resolves from his seat on the bench next to the two of them, once they've acknowledged an awareness of his presence.

"No, I think I'm bi?" Evan corrects, choosing his words carefully, "because like, I like girls, just, you know, boys, too?"

"I see," Jared maintains, nodding. Evan reaches for Connor's hand, and holds onto it tightly.

_i couldn't believe when he said, "i've got news for you,  
all these american boys do too."_


End file.
